As many of you may know, I have ADHD. After years of suspecting it, I was finally diagnosed in May of 2021 with combined inattentive and hyperactive ADHD.
When I was playing hockey and able to be more active, my ADHD wasn’t really that much of an issue. Pair that with the isolation that came along with the initial stages of the pandemic, and I had to get evaluated.
I’ve spent a lot of time working to understand my neurodivergence. I’ve also tried to learn more about how it affects the ways I view, think about, and interact with the world.
The answer is absolutely and completely.
But, it’s not just ADHD.
depression (and ptsd)
Back in 2012, I was diagnosed with major depression. I was surprised, but not because I didn’t believe I had depression. I knew that I did.
I just felt like my depression was secondary to being disabled and chronically ill. After all, I’d seen major depression in so many people around me, such as my then-partner and multiple members of my family. That didn’t feel like me, but more of a conflation of trauma, PTSD, and minor depression.
Pretty quickly after that diagnosis, my friend Laura died. I absolutely fell into a deep depression that took me years to climb out of. During those years, I recognized how abusive my mother was and disconnected from her.
I had to rebuild and rediscover who I was. My mother was someone who created an enmeshment as a part of emotional or covert incest. Basically, it’s when a parent relies on a child to be their emotional partner. Since I was serving essentially as my mother’s husband (and, at times, her parent), the boundaries that are supposed to exist between a parent and a child were not there.
It’s something that I will probably almost always be in therapy for, because that type of trauma is so insidious and long-lasting.
Learning about all that, depression made more sense to me. But, it’s clearly not the main or long-term driver of my mental health – and that’s a good thing.
how these show up for me
I began to write this post in early March, in the regular annually worst 2-3 week period of my mental health. I’ve sucked at responding to messages, missed calls, emails, and more. It isn’t because I don’t care or want to respond. In fact, the combination of ADHD and depression generally mean that I spend a ton of time every day ragging on myself for not doing things I need to get done.
That doesn’t mean I always do the things in a timely fashion. In fact, it’s way more common that I don’t. Part of this is self-sabotage. Part of it is also just struggling with how to respond to things, work on tasks, etc. But part of this has also been medication-related.
stopping my antidepressant
Over the last month, I have been detoxing from the antidepressant I started on in 2012.
It wasn’t a choice that I made lightly. I’ve tried to come off of it a few times in the past, only to be unsuccessful in doing so. As I have learned more about my brain and how it works, though, it was something I desperately wanted to try again.
After the first week, I no longer had with the large mood swings that have affected me for a while. I’ve stopped spending as much time being anxious or panicking over accomplishing a task. I’m not ragging on myself as much at all.
I actually finish more of my to-do list daily than not.
And that brings me to…
autism?
I’ve navigated a world that often didn’t work for me for a long time. I’ve encountered so many people who didn’t / don’t understand or care about the unique ways my brain processes information and experiences the world.
For a long time, I thought it was just the trauma I’ve been through, and that was clearly wrong.
Learning I had ADHD opened up a number of doors to me, including to the neurodivergent movement. The more I’ve worked on understanding how my brain works, the more I’ve found myself coming back to autism. It’s estimated that half to two-thirds of autistic folks also have ADHD.
It’s also why you’ll see the acronym AuDHD across many of my social media profiles.
but you don’t seem autistic
Do you ever interact with folks differently based on who else is around? Or hide some of your less-than-obvious identities for safety or ease?
This can be called code switching or, in autism, masking.
Also, it’s important to consider what you think acting autistic means. Not every autistic person acts the same, just like in any other demographic group.
what is autism anyway?
When I explain ADHD, autism, and other forms of neurodivergence to people, I use an analogy that you’ve probably heard of.
Our brains are like computers and, like those complicated machines, we have different operating systems. Maybe you’re a Windows person and you find it hard to communicate with people who use Macs. Likewise, perhaps you get frustrated when you get a text from an iPhone friend with a video that you can’t really make out, because you have an Android phone.
The issue isn’t that there’s anything wrong with your computer or phone; the issue is that the operating systems are different. That means that our phones and computers can’t always run the same programs or that communicating between the two requires more effort for one of you.
Autistic brains operate differently from those belonging to allistic (non-autistic) folks. It doesn’t make one type of brain better than the other – just different.
how do you know you’re autistic?
While I haven’t yet been formally evaluated, it’s something I’ve talked about with multiple providers. My therapist is in the process of getting certified to conduct evaluations and has offered to work with me on that when he’s done with the process.
But, I have taken the evaluation tests I can access, such as those on Embrace Autism. EA is run by two autistic individuals themselves, one who evaluates folks and the other who does a lot of the design work. My scores are… well, let’s just say that they don’t leave much room for doubt. And they haven’t any of the several times I’ve taken these tests since 2020.
Yes, I’ve suspected that long. When I wrote this post about how dangerous and harmful Autism Speaks is, it was one of the things that was on my mind. (Also, y’all, the roundup has been cited in academic research, something that absolutely blows my mind.)
I did this same thing with my ADHD, suspecting I had it from 2016 onwards. I only was formally diagnosed in May 2021 because the pandemic and lack of physical activity (I miss hockey) made my symptoms both more apparent and disruptive to my life.
The more I’ve delved into the neurodivergent world, the more I’ve unpacked both baggage and trauma around my brain. Instead of trying to force my brain to fit into neurotypical boxes, the healthier my relationship with myself has become. I’ve been able to give myself more space and grace as I navigate burnout, too.
That’s especially true while I’ve been able to do more contract work and dedicate more time in my week to self-care.
PS: The preferred language in the community is Autistic (identity-first), not ‘person with autism’ (person-first). You can learn more here.
how does autism show up for you?
Being autistic is a different experience for every person. Each of us has our own mixed bag of things to deal with. For me, it means experiencing the world in vivid detail, seeing patterns and details that others may overlook, and bringing a fresh out-of-the-box perspective to problem-solving.
It also means:
- feeling emotions incredibly intensely
- needing a little more alone time or parallel play
- struggling sometimes with social situations
- catching other people’s emotions
- taking things too literally
- needing clear instructions
- infodumping
- being incredibly invested in justice and frustrated when things are not working the way they should
I’m sure I could name more things.
why are you sharing this?
Being autistic is not something to be ashamed of or a secret to be kept.
It is part of what makes me who I am, shaping how I experience the world. I’m honestly tired of being as quiet about it as I have been.
Plus, today is April 2nd. It’s World Autism Acceptance Day!
By sharing this part of myself, I hope to break down stereotypes, challenge misconceptions, and create a space for honest conversations about neurodivergence. I’m also hoping that I will be able to contribute more to the conversations around neurodivergence as it relates to health, gender, sexuality, mental health, and so much more.
what resources do you recommend so that people can learn more?
Thanks for bearing witness to this. It’s been a post I’ve wanted to write for ages, but I wasn’t sure I should. Do you have questions? Feel free to share them with me and we can chat more.