This post is originally from November 2020, when I posted it on my sex education website Chronic Sex. Also, please note that your mileage may vary with all this, especially if you rely on family or others for various help or anything else.
We know that COVID-19 can be transmitted via close contact with others, especially due to it being airborne. When this happens indoors, it can create a dangerous ability to spread infection.
I know the reality is that some people can’t just choose to stay home right now. In that case, it’s important to talk about risks.
How to have COVID-19 risk-aware conversations
As a sex educator, there are a ton of good ways of talking about risk! Here’s a really good, basic example from the STI world:
“So, before we meet up, I want to talk about risk-aware sex practices. I get tested for STIs every three months and after intimate relations with new any partners. My last test was on November first via blood draw and urine sample, and all tests came back negative. I haven’t had intimate relations with anyone new since having these tests run. While I have an IUD to prevent pregnancy, I ask that we also utilize condoms to add another layer of safety to preventing both STIs and pregnancy.”
If you’re talking about COVID risk, the conversation will be slightly different. You’ll need to loop in others about travel, possible exposure, and any safety measures you’re taking. Here is one possible example:
“I currently go out to get groceries once a week. I have a doctor’s appointment on Wednesday in the clinic. Once I return from being out, I change clothes and take a shower. I always wear my mask when going out & sanitize/wash my hands often. I have not experienced any possible COVID symptoms, with the exception of an intermittent sore throat. This is a regular symptom due to one of my chronic conditions, and I’m happy to talk more about this. I have not spent time with anyone indoors, and only in passing outdoors. Since I would like to keep us both safe, I will switch to picking up groceries for the next two weeks in addition to taking additional safety measures before we gather together.”
Leading with your status and what you’re doing gives the other person a way to emulate that if they’re nervous or don’t know what to share. It can make it really comfortable for you to ask, “What about you?”
Hold your boundaries steady
Having this conversation can also set the scene for laying out boundaries you may have. If the loved one you’re hoping to see is defensive or skirts the issue, you can use this time to reassert your needs, wants, and boundaries. You can even dig deeper into the risks if you want and define your boundaries as necessary. Remind people that you’re keeping not only you and them safe, but others you come into contact with, too.
“Dad, I love you very much. As you know, my immune system puts me at extra risk for catching infections easily. I want to spend time with you, but you need to know that I can’t come to see you if you’re not wearing masks out/limiting who you spend time with/etc. This protects both of us, but also the people I live with/work with/etc.”
It’s hard, but make sure that you follow through on that. Keep your boundaries firm. Make it clear that you control yourself and your exposure to risk. This is incredibly serious, and we can’t let our family or others stomp all over us.
Mitigating risk
Another way to mitigate risk is to consider where you’ll be. Will you be in the woods together with loved ones or at a condo in a busy, packed building? Does the person you’re visiting live alone or with a roommate whose risks you have to consider?
Know who all is invited to family things before you agree to go. Talk about risk with all of them.
Talk with your family and ensure that there’s a plan for if your Uncle Jerry (who doesn’t believe in COVID) stops by to say hi. Try to evaluate if you can truly ‘trust’ that this plan will be carried out.
If you’re not sure that you can trust that your concerns will be addressed, consider connecting virtually or otherwise from a distance. While this piece is about a romantic relationship, many of the tips and tricks can be used for any relationship.
Remind people of the risks of untreated acute issues, including COVID
Talk to your loved ones about the importance of seeking help if they show symptoms of COVID, including where to get tested near them.
It’s also important to talk about how vital it is to get treatment quickly for things like stroke, heart attacks, etc. Staying home from the hospital if they’re experiencing these will not help them heal, and may even contribute to their death or additional challenges.
Working in public health, I can say that our stroke numbers are down in Wisconsin (as of Nov 2020). The reality is that we know strokes don’t take a break. What’s happening is people are too scared to get help with these dangerous acute events. People who refuse to seek help are more likely to die.