I went viral on Twitter (again) – this time for writing a thread of things folks need to consider when it comes to death and dying, based on what I’ve learned following my neighbor’s passing.
Since people found it informative, I’m sharing here as well.
Folks, please talk with your loved ones & friends about your final wishes.
Our 46-year-old neighbor passed away unexpectedly from a heart attack on the 8th. His final wishes remain a mystery, because he hadn’t had these conversations or planned ahead.
So, let’s cover some of the things you need to consider and speak with others about — especially if you live alone.
Before I dig into this, I am not a lawyer. This is also majority content based on what I’ve witnessed and experienced in the aftermath of people’s passings here in the United States.
I know that planning for this can feel daunting and disturbing. I used to have a legit phobia of death that took two years to work through in therapy.
But it’s an act of love to give the people around you clarity, direction, and ease in the midst of loss and grief.
Don’t forget that.
Make sure people around you know details about people in your family.
Knowing that our neighbor’s parents used to be teachers made it easier to find them on social media and share their information with emergency personnel.
But, if we’d been able to connect directly with his family, that would’ve made life infinitely easier. C’s dad had an incorrect number for us, and it made it hard to connect — something we weren’t able to do until the 17th, over a week after C passed away.
One way you could handle this is by creating a one-page emergency contact document to share with neighbors and close local friends.
Setting up your ICE contacts on your phone is also helpful. When you do (and if you can), label who is your first go-to contact, who is a parent / family member, etc.
If you don’t have Advance Directives, fix that.
While C had passed away by the time we found him, I think about what he would’ve wanted otherwise. None of us knew.
These directives are used in case you’re incapacitated and unable to make decisions for yourself. They answer questions like: Do you want to be on life support? Do you want folks to go all out to try to keep you alive?
Once you create your Advance Directives, make sure that they are signed and notarized. Then, place them in a specific spot in your home and upload them to your electronic health records and share them with your providers and health systems.
Anyone who would be a power of attorney should be in your ICE contacts with a note highlighting that.
This also includes noting if you want to be resuscitated or if you want a DNR (do not resuscitate) order in place.
If you want a DNR, make sure people know about it from providers to friends and other loved ones. And, make sure that you have a copy displayed somewhere easily accessible in your house, such as your fridge. Putting it on colored paper can help folks see it.
Emergency response teams are trained to save your live, no matter what — unless you make it easy to find your DNR order.
You can get creative with these, too. As an example, a late friend of mine had a large chest tattoo QR code with DNR warnings around it.
Check your state website or superior court website for many of the necessary forms with instructions.
Likewise, if you don’t have a will, get on that ASAP.
Talk with others and designate a few folks who are willing to help with your estate. (And, yes, everyone has an ‘estate,’ regardless of if you own property or not.)
Your will should also outline how you want any assets to be distributed after your death. Unfortunately, people get really petty when it comes to these things.
For example, C’s mom had a hell of a time when her own parents died due to petty family and a lack of a will. My grandpa also passed away without a will, and, when he died far too early, it sent my mother’s family into poverty.
Wills help make life easier for you & loved ones.
In some areas, it may take several months to get wills formalized.
Again, check your state website or superior court website for many of the necessary forms with instructions.
Do you have specific funeral and burial / celebration of life wishes?
Make sure people know them!
This might include:
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Do you even want an event held?
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Where you’d want an event held
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If you want something somber or celebratory
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What kinds of readings or songs you might want
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Any religious aspects you do or don’t want.
You can also save your family some grief by pre-writing your obituary.
Update and review any beneficiaries on insurance, etc., regularly.
You can do this at the same time you make any needed changes to you Advance Directive, will, and other final wishes. At the very least, review these things yearly to make sure you don’t need to make changes.
But, if you’ve broken up with someone or had a falling out, replace your beneficiaries ASAP. Don’t put it off until later, because life is fucking unpredictable.
Talk to people about who will take care of and even adopt your pets if something happens.
I’ll give you a very real and timely example of why you need to do this, and her name is Josie.
Josie was C’s dog. He adopted her in 2013 (we think) after finding her on her own, hungry and afraid. She became his entire world, and vice versa.
She’s a sweet dog, but she’s really struggling. Like I said, he was her whole world. She is used to getting all of the attention, eating human food, and doing what she wants all the time. This isn’t necessarily easy for the folks fostering her right now — me and my husband — to handle, because we have two dogs of our own who are of course used to their own rules.
We took her in from the moment emergency personnel entered C’s home. But, aside from some stories C told us and our own interactions with her? We know nothing about her history or needs, including how old she is, if she’s seen the vet recently (or at all), etc.
We love her, but this can’t be her permanent home. She has some intermittent mobility issues, meaning stairs can be hard and, well, our house is full of stairs.
Several other friends have offered to adopt her, but backed out at the last minute due to grief, previously losing pets, or realizing she needs vet care. (She’s going tomorrow, thanks to the help of a local nonprofit.)
She had an overnight last Sun with a family who was going to adopt her, only to come back to our place Monday because they weren’t ready… and that’s okay. I don’t blame them for it at all, and folks need to feel fully free to make that decision.
But it creates extra stress & unpredictability, which Josie doesn’t need. And, if I’m honest, it creates new layers of stress of us, too.
C’s family is older and can’t take her. One of C’s friends is willing to take her IF her health issues aren’t too costly to deal with. And if they are, I’m not sure what we’re going to do. She might have to go live with someone at this nonprofit at the end of the day.
All of this could have been avoided by having conversations and putting a plan in place.
We have a binder that we keep information in on our dogs. It lives in our fireproof safe and holds their county registration papers, summaries from vet visits, and more. This way, should anything happen to us, anything folks would need to care for our boys is all in one place.
Do you have passwords for your social media, email, bank accounts, etc., in a safe space that you can share with others if needed?
If not, consider either getting a fireproof safe and having these documents in there.
You might also consider digital options. For example, I use a password management system called LastPass, which allows me to share passwords at any time with others. It also has a way to designate someone who can access passwords if something happens to me.
Consider, too, how you’d want folks to deal with any social media accounts, websites, or other digital content you own. Do you want them to stay up so that people can still access shared photos and posts? Do you want them deleted?
How can you give comfort to your loved ones when you pass away?
This is absolutely optional, but you might consider writing letters or recording messages for your loved ones to read or listen to after you’re gone. Being able to hold on to something that was crafted with the utmost love can make all the difference.
We often miss hearing someone’s voice when they’ve passed on. I used to miss so much hearing my great grandma’s voice, for example. She passed away before a lot of voice recording software existed, and I wasn’t sure I’d ever hear her voice again. Last year, my cousin sent me a digital file of our favorite lady reading her a story that had been recorded to a cassette tape. I completely broke down in tears because, even if the message wasn’t for me, I could hear her voice again.
It’s saved to my computer and even in my ‘in case of emergency’ file, because it helps me when I’m struggling.
Voice and video messages can comfort your loved ones and let them feel more connected with you. Consider recording them and saving them in a safe place, with instructions in your will for how to access them.
Resources
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The ‘I’m Dead, Now What? Organizer‘ or another similar end-of-life planner.
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Cake, Free Will, or another online will creation tool. Note: It is my understanding that you need to have these forms printed, signed, and notarized for them to be legal. I’m not a lawyer, so consult one if you can.
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Even if you don’t use them for will planning assistance, Cake has many great resources on their website, including handling grief & loss and exploring mortality.
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Download and Complete Your State or Territories’ Advance Directive Form (in English and Spanish)
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Caring Conversations Workbook (in English and Spanish)
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LGBTQ+ Advance Care Planning Toolkit (in English and Spanish)
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How to Make Your Death Kinder to Those You Love by Greater Good Magazine
I also want to make sure I note that taking steps like these is especially pressing if you are no contact with, say, your parents due to abuse. My abusive & transphobic mother does not need the opportunity to exact power over me, even in death.
That’s why I included some very specific LGBTQ+ resources here.
If you need more, I highly suggest checking with local LGBTQ+ centers to see if they have a collection of end-of-life planning resources.
I also know that financial resources can limit what someone is able to do, which is why I’ve shared free resources here.
You can get something notarized at banks or credit unions for a couple bucks. You would need to have the others signing come in with you, though.
C’s elderly parents live 7 hours away & aren’t sure when they can come here to work thru estate & legal things. That’s why I’ve also suggested involving local-to-you folks. The folks here can take care of a decent amount & ease what the family is going through as much as we can.
You also likely have resources where you live that can help with some of these things, if needed. But they’re often very busy, underfunded, and may be hard to access.
Remember: We take care of us, of each other. That applies even in death.
I cannot reiterate this enough: I’m not mad C didn’t have these things in place, but I know he could have – that you can.
Planning is self-care.
It is also a major act of love, giving friends & family clarity, direction, and most of all ease in the midst of loss and grief.
Several folks have expressed interest in having a virtual space to talk and work on end-of-life planning, either live or recorded. If you are interested in this as well, please sign up for my newsletter.